Stupid Things People Have Said

Also known as foot-in-mouth-disease. Read some of the most ludicrous things ever said or written by otherwise intelligent people (well, maybe some of them).

I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do. – U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

What does an actor know about politics? – Ronald Reagan about SAG president, actor Ed Asner, who was opposed to American foreign policy

Illegal income, such as stolen or embezzled money, must be included in your gross income. – Internal Revenue Service

They are schizophrenic, manic-depressive animals. I don’t want them at all in Idaho. – Rep. Helen Chenowith (Republican), opposed to the reintroduction of grizzly bears into Idaho.

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes natural to me. – Actor/comedian John Cleese on playing executives in commercials.

If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave. – Former President Gerald Ford

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

My son is now an ‘entrepreneur’. That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job. – Ted Turner about his son Ted Turner IV

I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. – Former President George Bush

If all the economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. – Playwright George Bernard Shaw

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. – Ivana Trump

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Who will the Antichrist be? I don’t know. Nobody else knows. Of course, he’ll be Jewish. – Evangelist Jerry Falwell

She’s well-rounded, gorgeous. If we marry and have kids, with her body and my mind, there’ll be some real winners in the family. – Arnold Schwarzenegger about Maria Shriver

In an action film, you act in the action. If it’s a dramatic film, you act in the drama. – Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme

He reminded me of an alien. – Actress Kelly LeBrock describes her first meeting with martial artist/actor Steven Segal who later became her husband.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. – Dan Quayle

Only applicants who do not meet standards will be considered. – US Forest Service announcement

It’s not that I dislike many people. It’s just that I don’t like many people. – Bryant Gumbel

I’m someone who has a deep emotional attachment to “Starsky and Hutch”. – President Bill Clinton

Women prefer tabloids because their arms are shorter. – New York Daily News publisher Mort Zuckerman

The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this problem of older men who prey on underage women. There are consequences … – President Clinton, 1996, speech endorsing national campaign against teen pregnancy.

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields on why she should become a spokesperson in a antismoking campaign

Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.- Tip from “Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees”

Andre Agassi is very, very intelligent, very, very sensitive, very evolved more than his linear years. – Barbra Streisand talks about her then-boyfriend Andre Agassi

Old people have a duty to die and get out of the way. – Former Colorado Governor Richard Lamm

The banana is an important product and deserves to be treated with respect and consideration. – Robert Moore, International Banana Association president complaining about the use of a banana as a condom recipient in a PBS program on AIDS prevention.

This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. – Mike Tyson after biting Evander Holyfield’s ear

So basically, I don’t know what I’m talking about. But maybe I do. – Jenny McCarthy speaks in her book “Jen-X”

…my philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy speaks in her book “Jen -X”

Charity is taking an ugly girl to lunch. – Warren Beatty

Machismo gracias. – Al Gore, 1996, while visiting a school in New Mexico

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. – Accounting Manager memo, Electric Boat Company.